Western Isles Women's Aid

Tel: 01851 704750

Could your relationship become abusive?

Early Warning Signs for Domestic Violence

Many of the signs women are taught to interpret as caring, attentive, and romantic are actually early warning signs for future abuse.
Some examples include

Extreme Jealousy

Everyone gets jealous sometimes. The key word is extreme. Signs of extreme jealousy are when your partner gets angry if you talk to other people, have close friends or spend time with your family or friends at work. Your partner accuses of being unfaithful and refuses to believe your denials.

Controlling

Does your partner completely rule the relationship and make all the decisions? Your point of view is not even considered. The controlling partner tries to tell you how to dress, who to talk to, and where to go.

Possessive

At first this can seem like your partner is attentive and caring. This becomes a danger sign when someone treats you as if you are a belonging. He or she believes you should ask for permission before going anywhere or buy anything and constantly checks up on you.

Patriarchal

Believes that "a man's home is his castle" or that you and your children are property. Feels entitled to "discipline" you if you "step out of line."

Believes that his/her way is the only way and that you should be obedient, not disagree, not question and never act independently.

Uses Verbal Put-downs

Verbally criticises and belittles you, sometimes in front of others. Says things like, "You're stupid, you're ugly, you really should lose a few pounds."

Unpredictable Mood Swings & Behaviour

Dramatic shifts from being sweet, charming and loving, to acting jealous, controlling and angry are a danger sign. You feel like you're walking on eggshells. You're never sure when you partner will criticise you or get angry about something.

Many violent episodes in relationships are carried out when one or both partners have been drinking or doing drugs. Alcohol and drug use lower a person's self-control but are not the direct cause of violence.

Explosive Anger

Does your partner hit walls, throw things, yell loudly, call names or actually threaten others with violence? He/she may believe that they cannot control their anger and say things like, "I'm sorry, I just lost it," or "I've really got a bad temper."

Promises to Change

Your partner might ask for a second chance and promise it will never happen again, but it does. Says, "I'll get help," but doesn't follow through.

Low Self Esteem

In a dating relationship, a person with low self-esteem may say, "I'm nothing without you," or "You are my world," and "I will kill myself if you leave me."

Unknown Pasts/No Respect for Women

Do you know about his past girlfriends, his family upbringing, and his relationship with his mother and other women? Or is he secretive about past relationships? Does he respect any women in his life? How do his friends view women? Does he believe in stereotypical male/female roles? Does he refer to women with negative remarks?
Examples:
* "Women are only good for one thing."
* Pinching your body parts when he knows you don't like it
* referring to past girlfriends/wives as "whore," "bitch," or other derogatory terms

Domestic violence is a pattern of abuse-repeated controlling behaviour. It tends to escalate over time. The first incident might be "just" a slap or "only" a verbal explosion. It doesn't go away if you ignore the abuse. It doesn't disappear without serious interventions, support and help (perhaps including arresting the abuser). It typically gets worse and worse, happens more and more frequently and often culminates in serious injuries or in extreme cases death.

Domestic violence is a crime. It is not the fault of the victim.

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