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Six Lessons Children are likely to learn from living in a violent home:

  • Violence is an appropriate form of conflict resolution.
  • Violence has a place within the family interaction.
  • If violence is reported to others in the community, there are few, if any consequences.
  • Sexism, as defined by an inequality of power, decision-making ability, and roles within the family, is to be encouraged.
  • Violence is an appropriate means of stress management.
  • Victims of violence are, at best, supposed to tolerate this behaviour and worst, to examine the responsibility in bringing on the violence.

Signs of Children from Abusive Homes

Cognitive Difficulties:

  • Impaired concentration
  • Lower verbal abilities
  • Lower motor skills

Behavioural Problems:

  • Acting out
  • Social withdrawal
  • High anxiety level about going to sleep
  • High anxiety level about dying
  • Exhibition of violence towards others, including pets

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Internalised Behavioural Problems:

  • Hearing difficulties
  • Articulation problems
  • Headaches
  • Ulcers
  • Asthma
  • Stomach aches

Recognizing Behaviours and Helpful Responses

Withdrawal/Passivity
Some children under stress exclude themselves and become apathetic.

Behaviours

  • Aimless
  • Difficulty interacting
  • May just sit when being picked on

Helpful Responses

  • Be careful not to overlook this child
  • Find tasks this child can do
  • Gradually introduced to play.
  • Greet the child individually as often as possible

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Aggression
A child may imitate aggressive behaviour so that s/he will not be the victim

Behaviours

  • Breaks toys
  • Hits others
  • Verbally abuses others

Helpful Responses

  • Encourage the child to talk about angry feelings
  • Discuss ahead of time how to resolve conflict
  • Accept the angry feelings. Use "I" statements
  • Correct the behaviour (e.g., "Food is for eating, not throwing.")

Rage
Can be caused by terrible fears of feelings of rejection

Behaviours

  • Child is out of control

Helpful Responses

  • It's okay to gently but firmly restrain the child
  • Mother can tell the child, "I love you and I'm not going to let you hurt yourself or others."
  • Try to find out what is going on with the child after the child has regained composure and is calm
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Separation Anxiety
 A child fears that mum is going to leave

Behaviours

  • Clings to mother
  • Cries when mother leaves room
  • Cries when it's time to go to school

Helpful Responses

  • Reassure the child that mother will return Mother and child plan an activity for when she returns
  • Hug child lots.

Fear of Abandonment
Child fears that the abuser is going to kill the mother and s/he is going to be left with no one to take care of him/her. The child feels guilty and responsible for the violent incident

Behaviours

  • Similar to separation anxiety
    Tries to make it up to mum
  • Depressed

Helpful Responses

  • Explain the reason for leaving
  • Frequently assure the child it was not their fault

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Role Reversal
The child takes on the role of protective adult

Behaviours

  • The child takes on the parent's responsibilities

Helpful Responses

  • Thank child for being helpful but encourage child to play and behave like a child, not an adult

Regress
When under stress a child behaves as they did in an earlier stage of life

Behaviours

  • Potty trained children may begin to wet their pants/beds
  • A favourite blanket that was given up many be wanted

Helpful Responses

  • Do not punish the child for this behaviour.
  • Do not draw attention to the regressive behaviour … this will pass as the stress eases

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