If you have been coping with abuse
for a long time, it can be hard to finally stand up and leave.
And then you have many losses to contend with.
Economic dependence: few choices and support for living independently.
Fear for your survival: fear that
the abuser will find you and kill/harm you or the kids, or otherwise
retaliate.
Parenting: wanting another parent
for your children.
Love: You love your partner, and
at times your partner is loving and lovable.
Religious cultural pressure: to
keep the family together.
Lack of support: pressure from
family and friends to stay.
Fear
of being alone/lonely: of being on your own and coping with
home, children, and your life alone. "A little love
is better than no love at all."
Loyalty: you committed to stay
with your partner, and you do not want to go back on it
Misplaced pity for the abuser:
Women are socialized to put others needs before their own; he
seems worse off than you are
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Rescue complex: if you stay you
can save him.
Fear of her partner's suicide:
your partner threatens to commit suicide if you leave.
Denial: "It
is not really so bad."
Guilt: Your partner convinces
you that the relationship problems are your fault; you caused
his difficulties and the problems.
Shame, embarrassment, humiliation:
no one must know.
Wish for security: and belief
in the dream of living happily ever after.
Sex
role socialization: If your abuser is male, this is "just
the way men are.
Identity: many women feel they
need a relationship in order to be complete.
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Optimism/hope: hope that things
will get better.
Damaged self-esteem: your partner
convinces you that the abuse must be your fault; you must deserve
it; you will never find anyone better.
Male privilege: If your partner
is male, he may convey that the man is head of house hold; he
has a right to set and enforce the rules; to demand sex, etc.
Coercion: your partner threatens
to take the kids away if you leave.
Chemical dependency: if you use
alcohol or other drugs as a means of coping with the abuse, you
may be less clear and strong.
Overcoming these obstacles can
be a long complicated process. A abused woman should be honoured
for her struggle and not blamed for continued abuse. It is always
a triumph when an abused person manages to leave an unhealthy
and/or violent relationship.
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